The following is a parody of the typical “kid in the candy
store” journalism regarding new energy “breakthroughs” as the myth of infinite progress
becomes increasingly questionable over time.
Unlimited Green
Energy Right Under Our Feet
Imagine a future in which all of humanity’s energy needs are
easily and sustainably provided without the need to burn fossil fuels, dam
rivers, build unpopular nuclear plants, or rely on the intermittent supply of
solar and wind power. Imagine an energy source that as well as being consumed
by cars is also produced by cars. Seems too good to be true? Well, in the labs
of Ultimate Energy Solutions, in Ojai, California, such dreams have been put to
the test and this cynical energy reporter has for once been left practically
speechless in awe of the technology that will make this scenario a reality
within a few short years.
“My whole life’s dream has been to find an energy source
that was clean and limitless. I just had to know where to look. Finally, it
dawned on me – it is right under my feet!” laughingly explained Otto von
Engelbrechten, a retired metallurgist. “Gravity!”, he jovially exclaimed, “One
of the fundamental forces of the Universe! The whole idea came to me one day
while ordering a smoked meat sandwich at a local deli… an image where instead
of bread, there are two sheets of metal alloy, and in between a medium for
allowing electrons to flow. With a good weight to press these metal plates
together – if made of the right materials – we should be able to get a strong electrical
current flowing. And after a decade of experimenting with various alloys, I
finally hit the jackpot in 2014. I call my invention ‘gravity plates’”.
“Picture this”, Otto told me, “highways fitted with Gravity
Plates covering the whole country. Cars and trucks will be generating as much
energy as they consume. And the more cars and trucks there are on the road, the
more energy will be generated. Arterial roads, streets, parking lots, even
driveways can be used to generate this inexhaustible ultimate green energy!”
Currently at the testing stage and awaiting a patent on the
technology, Otto estimates that with economy of scale associated with mass production, production costs will
eventually be a fraction of a penny per square foot.
Current research is focused on refining the technology so
that it can generate electricity for stationary objects because with the
current technology the flow of electrons stops about one minute after an object
presses down on a gravity plate. “Once this bug is ironed out”, continued Otto,
“houses, office buildings, warehouses, schools – any structure can continuously
generate electricity by the sheer force of gravity. A house will be able to
generate all the electricity it needs just by standing still!”
Though the road to achieving a future of abundant clean
energy has in recent decades had its rough patches and faced opposition from
pathetic Limits to Growth doomers and
delusional peak oil naysayers, innovative thinkers such as Otto von Engelbrechten
demonstrate that technological progress is unstoppable and that limitless
energy is truly all around us -- we just need to know where to look and how to tap
into it.
